Today my mom would have been 72 years old. My family still celebrates her birthday every year with cake, Chinese food, and a singing of “Happy birthday!” It’s been about 13 years since she’s passed away and some birthdays are easier to celebrate than others. It’s the memory of her that lives on within me and my siblings. No doubt her passing has had an impact on each of us. I know we each have different memories of her and dealt with her passing just the same.
I would like to share my feelings about not having a mother while growing up. I lost my mom when I was 17 years old. It was the Summer before my Senior year at high school started. Her death was a freak accident and shocked my whole family. Since then, I can say that I’ve been successful in terms of what most parents want for their children…I graduated high school, never got arrested, went to college, graduated with a college degree, and now pursuing a graduate degree. In the midst of that, I also met my husband when I was 22. We married when we were both 26 years old and will be celebrating our 4 year wedding anniversary this June.
I guess when it’s typed out and I can see my successes in front of me that I did well as any other “normal” person would do in their life. What I leave out are my depression episodes, weaving in and out of my life that whole time. Whenever something happened to me, whether good or bad, it affected me so that I would have crippling anxiety and had to take breaks that lasted months to a year to get things done. For example, getting married was a beautiful but scary event for me. It was beautiful because I was marrying my fiance of four years and we were finally make it official and be Mr. and Mrs. I was totally scared because it was change…my last name was going to be different, my parents would not be there, together, watching me walk down the aisle. So, change, whether good or bad, is stressful to me to the point where I get so anxious that I just shut down completely. Check back with me another time! My mood and motivation would say if it had a sign.
I write this today not only because it’s her birthday, but because I feel like I’m going through an episode right now where my motivation is lost. I can start my Internship when I feel like it, but I am dragging my feet because I don’t feel 100% ready. Even though I get sad knowing my classmates are passing me by and graduating on time, I am just not ready. So I will wait until I do feel better. I hope it doesn’t take long! I know for you “go getters” out there that are reading this and saying to me “Just get over it and keep moving, girl!!” Honestly, I wish I could. Whether it be a combination of genes, imbalance of some kind, and not having my mom, it’s harder to pull myself up and out. I think her absence will always have that effect on me. Feelings of insecurity, not the vain kind, but the attachment kind from attachment parenting. I feel lost deep down inside. I hold on to tiny bursts of self-confidence and “Can-do” attitude that gets me through finishing something, just like finishing high school, college, and saying “I Do.” Even though these events are the most important and special experiences I have had in my life so far, it still feels sad because my mom is not physically here to share them with.
I hope I get another burst of self-confidence and “can-do” spirit from her somehow so that I can successfully finish my Internship. Just like in the movie “Tommy Boy” where Tommy is on his sailboat stuck in the middle of a lake, needing a gust of wind to get moving. He asks his dad who recently passed away to help him out.
“I think we need a little wind.”
Until then, I will enjoy spending the evening with my family that I love very much and think of all the memories I got to have because of her, even though it was for a short while.
This post is dedicated to my mom <3 I hope you are proud of me, of the person I’ve become, and not mad at me for not going to church every week. =D Cheers and happy birthday to you!